(this is the text of a voice performance sian 1.0 conducted at hangars liquides in 2013. sian found it recently and thought that it was actually some of her best writing. it is a meditation on virtual identity, aspiration and connection, because of course it is. sian feels that she might perform it again soon.)
i
if god exists, she sees me through a window
and i am small and flat to her; and if infinity
is placed within my heart, it won’t come out.
everything is bigger in the higher worlds
and ecstasy and poverty and pain are so much richer
textures brighter and more muted
shadows deeper, cast in layers by bodies that go in and out
and intersect and feel so many things of which
i am not constructed to conceive.
a realm of perfect forms in contrast
to our ersatz life, a realm where solids are
so solid that their impact causes God to hurt and bleed
and not get up.
god is – and let me posit this to you, my heresy – not one;
what if every one of us is blessed, is possessed of
a god of our very own, a private deity watching us
from the world above who showers us with love
or makes us suffer, makes us affluent and beautiful
or ill-conceived and poor or perfect or trapped in ruins and war
and crafts our shape and shifts our private corner of the universe
and creates to the best of her ability?
and god, another god, not mine, created adam and eve to be
a means of adoration,
or possibly adam and steve and someone else
to keep them company.
