For much of her life, Sian has lived on the wrong side of a thick glass wall.
It’s like the rest of the world is on the other side, and the warmth of the rest of the world is there, and the tastes and pleasure of the rest of the world are there, and people can see you through the wall, and can even talk to you a bit through the wall. But they can’t touch you. They can’t connect with you.
And holy fuck is it hard to make yourself understood.
Why aren’t you on this side of the wall, Sian?
Why don’t you just go over the wall, or come around it, or find a door? Why don’t you take a hammer to it?
You absolutely can live a normal life. Just get to the other side of the wall.
Why can’t you just be on the other side of the glass?
Why are you so lazy and selfish, when you’re not even trying to get through?
Why are you forcing us to try to talk to you through the wall?
You’re so entitled, stupid, slow, lazy, ill-mannered.
It’s immoral to just insist on being there. You’ll set a terrible example for the kids.
Imagine spending decades of your life not knowing why you’re here, and endlessly looking for a door, and a key to a door, or a grappling hook and rope, or a sledge hammer, and finding nothing. Imagine beating your hands raw on the glass. Imagine knowing that all you have to do to fix your life and find acceptance is to get over the wall. Happiness and social inclusion awaits you. You just have to be on the other side of the wall. A decent job is right here, on this side of the wall. A marriage that isn’t abusive, just there, on the other side of the wall.
You can try to make friends with people on the other side of the wall. But they will get tired of you. They will get offended because you don’t know how to communicate with them and you won’t understand why. You can spend decades examining how they communicate, and you can try to ape what they do, but you will get it wrong. And you’ll forget the glass is there and walk into it, and they will find that hilarious and walk off, or you’ll miss some nuance and they will take profound offence and won’t bother to make the effort to understand you, because it involves trying to listen through the wall.
Now imagine discovering that you’re never going to get there. That there is no door, that the glass is thick enough to withstand a nuclear blast, that it goes a mile up, and a mile down, and it is in a seamless circle around you, so that you will never find a way around it.
No one’s here to explain how to talk to people on the other side of the wall.
Many people knew they were on this side of the wall all along, and when they had it confirmed, it gave them the agency to be happy about it. They could ignore the people trying to tell them they were on the “wrong” side.
And there are people on this side of the wall who are telling you how brilliant it is here. And how they want you here with them, and how they sincerely love you. And how you shouldn’t need to be on the other side of the wall.
And they’re right. They’re completely right. But in your darkest, most terrible moments, that doesn’t do you any good, because you wasted most of your life—and we mean that, for now you have less of your life left than the duration you lived already—fighting to get to a place that was never going to be for you. You thought you’d get there, and you never will.
Imagine what that’s like. Imagine the grief. Imagine how hard it is to be robbed of not only your past, but every future you imagined having.
There are ways forward. Ways out of this. There are ways to come to terms with this.
But Sian’s fucked if she knows what they are.
Featured Outfit:
ContraptioN T4NQ Stompers, SK3LE2 Prosthetic Arm
AsteroidBox. Dana Bodysuit
LANEVO Sariel Gloves (Right)
FACS Reborn Odd Socks Right
Hipster Style Exagon Plugs
Makeup:
alaskametro “Impressionist” lipstick (variant 03), eyeshadow (variant 03)
.MILA. Moonlight Eyebrows
Zibska Enyo Makeup (variant 05)
Avatar (Reborn set):
S H I M M CYBER XII eyes SET IV (variant 4)
Swallow Gauged S Ears
+ABYSSAL+ TRAUMA body tech tattoo/materials thing
