RL!Sian did a small thing yesterday, that also happened to be a huge thing.
She changed her name.
Now in the UK, it’s fairly easy to do that. You have to have a piece of paper with a specific set of wording on it, that says you don’t want your old name, you want your new name, and agreeing to let public bodies know, and accepting the responsibility for doing that.
Then you take that piece of paper and you sign it with your old signature and your new one in the company of two people who are householders (which is a very loosely defined thing), and they either need to have known you for ten or more years or, alternatively, have to represent a one of a specific category of professions with some sort of trust — ministers of religions, medical professionals, therapists, people with professional charterships, and so on. They sign it too, as witnesses.
Seriously, it takes about ten minutes to copy your details into the document, and it’s all of thirty seconds to write your names.
Then you have to tell people. Your doctor, your bank, your work. The passport people. That’s the more complicated, arduous bit, because it’s a load of admin, but that isn’t the hard bit.
The hard bit is the easy bit.
RL!Sian never had a name that counted for anything. Not really. She had a moment some years ago when she realised that most people identify with their names, that most people do not feel a sense of heavy, descending dread when they hear their birth name spoken by someone they care about, that most people consider their name to be like their assigned gender: something they are, and not something unpleasant that they’ve been given without their consent.
But also they’ve been saddled with this thing for their entire life, and they have this complex network of histories and relationships. There are people who thought of RL!Sian by her deadname for so long that they find the idea of knowing her by any other name bizarre. Even though her actual name is her name she is scared to share it with authorities. But then she was always scared to share her birth name that way too. It wasn’t a common name, and the fact that it was shared with a cartoon animal had been a source of misery for her as a child (bullying happened, because of course it did), and embarrassment as an adult of a sort that she is almost certain that no one other than her felt. She always felt it sounded ridiculous, comical, fussy, strange, stupid. Her given surname looks simple, but it is surprisingly difficult to say in combination with any first name and is mispronounced frequently, because it is one letter away from a much more common surname, so that had to go too. Few things have provided a bigger obstacle to her relationships, her career, her hopes. RL!Sian’s given name limited her future. It stifled her dreams. She passionately despised it.
All right. It’s an illusion. We know this. She wasn’t named after a dictator, she didn’t share a name with a serial killer or a rock star. There are worse things to share a first name with than a cartoon animal, and sure, getting bullied for that is something that you can get over. It’s something to blame. That’s all.
But that’s why it’s so hard to let go of. There isn’t an excuse now. It’s a thing she can’t blame anymore. And having something to blame is a safety net. Now if we mess up, there’s one less excuse to make.
And do not mistake us: it has been so very hard to do. It has been a huge obstacle. She’s had this anxiety block that just wouldn’t shift. Ten minutes, a small favour asked of a friend who’d do it gladly, a scribble on a sheet of paper. It might as well have been another impassable wall.
But here we are. And now, with all the admin, and all the dicking around, now comes the easy part.
Sian is celebrating inworld with her favourite outfit in ages. That’s all.
Featured:
DIRAM Victoria Jacket (Red); Victoria Skirt (Red); Victoria Fur Arm Warmers (Animal); Victoria Fur Hat (Animal)
AZOURY Kyberyn boots
LeLUTKA EvoX Eyeliner (variant 011)
VELOUR “Theatre Kid” Eyeshadow (gold)
alaskametro “Flux” lipstick (variant 06)
