ok, it’s update time. sian has been inworld and she’s got well over a hundred screenshots for blog posts that never happened, but frankly, it just felt too much like work, and honestly the whole point of this blog is processing over the space of about, what, the last four years, how second life has interacted with her sexuality and gender as a queer/trans/kinky person.
sian was going to talk about where she’s been for the last six months, but you know what? let’s talk about that later because that is something that deserves its own post. let’s talk about pride.
rl!sian went to pride this month, the pride celebrations in her home town being one of the earliest in the cycle. she decided this time to march. she had never marched in a pride before and it felt important that she do so. this is the year where things got really bad for trans people in north america, and where the americans lead, terf island follows. so rl!sian was scared. scared that she would be seen. afraid that this year would be the year where the counterprotestors would be evident. afraid there would be violence. one person involved in organising later told sian that he was hoping there would be some sort of thing going down because he wanted to get arrested.
in the end, there was one single sour-faced woman with a dreary black-and-white “adult human female” flag at the start of the march, and that was all there was. later on, apparently, this woman harassed a few people at the precinct, but hardly anyone noticed really.
the point is that rl!sian was afraid, and yet through a series of odd circumstances she wound up right at the front of the march, walking next to one of the leading banners.
and as a result of that, sian found pictures of herself in most of her local pride’s social media.
she had thought that she was dressed impeccably, that she looked terrific. people told her that. people welcomed her, literally embraced her. she was part of the community.
but in the pictures, all she could see was something grotesque, ill-fitted for the event. she did not feel she should have been there.
obviously, this was her brain playing tricks on her, the intensification of her dysphoria in response to seeing her partial progress along a path she might never realistically reach the end of, and her grief at never having had the chance to grow into this, to see herself as a young trans woman, entering into this place. she is late. she is late. it wounds her.
but it is part of the process, isn’t it?
she shouldn’t have to pass. she shouldn’t have to cleave to unrealistic standards.
does her virtual self help that or harm that? it is hard to tell. anyway, sian decided that just for june this year, she would be seen in trans pride colours. being out as a trans body in secondlife is an odd phenomenon anyway. this is only an adaptation really.
makeup mix:
• effervescence nana lip tattoo
• alaskametro space unicorn lipstick
• shiny stuffs double whams
• zibska masa eyemakeup; enyo makeup
• marchetti wet highlighter
featured outfit:
• r2 r2lx kira arms and legs (fatpack pieces, modded); r2lx ui suit and armor (cyber fair)(fatpack pieces, modded)
• midwest my pride core trans (pride at home freebie)
